What to do?

I will admit to having easting issues.. disordered eating even. This is how this whole journey began. I keep thinking back to when my issues with food and weight started, but honestly I can't think back that far. I remember growing up as a kid and not understanding what "feeling full" meant, I thought it was when your belly hurt from eating too much. People would ask me "are you full?" and I would say no, so then I would eat until I felt that pain. My family all has eating issues, including my extended family. Lots of yo-yo dieting, losing and gaining weight. My mother was on weight watchers for a while, my father has been obese for as long as I can remember. One of my cousins struggled with bulimia. It's no surprise that I'm having these problems now.

Despite issues with overeating all my life, I never cared about being overweight until I hit my teenage years. I started working out and counting fat grams. I read teen magazines and many of them cautioned against counting calories, just keeping fat grams to about 20 a day. I was pretty healthy, even though I was a wee bit obsessive, most people on a diet do some obsessing. I got my tonsils removed and the painkillers completely killed my appetite. My stomach hurt at all times and I didn't want to eat. I lost a lot of weight at once, became pale and weak. No more working out. My mom took me to my GP who told me to try taking those nasty liquid meal replacements. People started commenting.. in a negative way. "You don't look well". I wasn't underweight by any means, but I was obviously not in good health. I started eating more once the painkillers were done and I gained my health back, but I got lazy and stopped working out. I gained some weight and started smoking and drinking, I found a new "crutch" for the time being.

Fast forward a few years later. I got depressed. I lost my appetite. I was crying all the time and didn't feel like eating. I lost weight again. It was a miserable time in my life. I ended up in the hospital. I became good friends with two girls who had bulimia. They talked about their disease often and would plan binges. I even went grocery shopping with them. I wanted to join in but they stopped me several times. I went away to University.

I went to a University in a different province. I stopped taking my anti-depressants and got really really ill. I stopped eating, but this time it was purposeful. I lived in residence and my floor adviser was worried about me. She dragged me to the cafeteria more than once where I moved food around on my plate and pushed it into napkins. I'm not sure if anyone noticed, but no one said anything. I would binge in my room at times and tried to purge but couldn't. I ended up in the hospital for being suicidal. I left school and moved back home. I ended up in the hospital again there. I reconnected with my old friends. I started binging and purging in secret. I also started doing drugs and binge drinking. I was also cutting myself. My father took me on a trip to South America to visit my family. I even purged while there because I couldn't go without it. I applied to college and got accepted. I read a book to help stop cutting and it worked. I stopped partying and became straight edge. I couldn't stop purging though. I went back to school and that was enough of a distraction.. no more purging. I gained a lot of weight (quitting smoking/drugs added some weight to begin with plus I also kept binging).

I fell in love and moved away after graduation. My first time living alone and preparing my own meals. I ate a lot of junk food. I found a job that I hated and stressed me out. My co-workers loved to eat junk food and I joined them. I gained more weight. I quit the job and had to save money, less money for food. I started eating sensibly and lost some of the weight. I broke up with my boyfriend and started dating someone else. He was a cycling enthusiast who bought me a bicycle. I started cycling and lost more weight. I had very little leg muscle and could only ride for short amounts. I started riding longer distances. I went back to the old job at part time hours. I enrolled in school in another city and got in. I moved away. I was happy and healthy, no drugs, alcohol, I was vegan (for animal rights reasons) and loved bike riding. Unfortunately my bike got stolen before I moved.

School brought on stress. I started drinking and smoking pot again. At first I cooked very balanced meals but after a while I got so busy I just started eating fast food and vending machine snacks for all my meals. I packed on a lot of weight. I graduated and got an excellent job. I continued eating mostly junk. I bought a bike and rode it occasionally but my muscles were weak and I was out of shape. I would get exhausted riding anywhere. I continued binge drinking, blacking out, and smoking pot. I would often smoke every night after work. I moved into an apartment building with a gym in the basement, I started doing some exercise, mostly on the treadmill, but it was short lived. Through my work I got sent to live in California for a year.

I moved to San Francisco. I didn't know anyone there. I felt very socially isolated, I got extremely depressed (even though I continued to take my antidepressants). At first I went to clubs and drank, but after a while it seemed lame. I didn't want to drink alone so I stopped completely. I started working from home and stopped going to the office. I started crash dieting, I tried every fad diet I could find on the internet. I watched endless episodes of the TV show Intervention. I bought magazines and cut out the really skinny pictures. I blogged about how I was doing, how little I ate, how few calories I could eat. I dropped a dramatic amount of weight. I started jogging even though I wasn't eating much. I would get stressed out from work and binge/purge. My weight loss slowed down and I got frustrated.

I got sent back to Toronto, everyone commented on my weight and wanted to know how I lost it. I told them I was jogging again. I wanted to try raw foods. I followed the "Eat To Live" program for a few weeks. I tried to go raw but work was too stressful. I started binging and purging again. I ate a lot of junk food at work, started going to restaurants with friends, and potlucks. I did not always purge. I started exercising. At first it was healthy, but then I started pushing myself too hard. Working out at lunchtime, then after work. I was gaining weight again. I pushed myself harder, took diet pills, energy drinks, coffee so I could work out more. I was still eating lots of junk food and purging less. I was also drinking and smoking pot again. I gained muscle but lots of fat as well. I studied to be a personal trainer but I failed the test and never took it again. I got laid off from work.

I started working out more and eating less junk since I had less money. I rode my bike everywhere. I didn't purge anymore but I was still overeating several times a week. I went to the gym for several hours a day. I still took energy drinks. I pushed myself too hard during a workout one day and ended up shivering with a fever later on. I started feeling really tired all the time, I kept pushing myself. A friend commented that I wasn't eating enough for all the exercise I was doing (I wasn't). I took some time off from intensive workouts. I got a "cold", lots of congestion and sinus headaches.. it never went away. I lost my appetite. I went to a potluck and ate a lot despite feeling no hunger, I got violently ill afterward. My hunger never returned and I was constantly constipated. I was tired all the time so I didn't go to the gym anymore. I went to visit my mom for Christmas and was eating very little. I would get dizzy because I wasn't eating, but I just wasn't hungry. I also had terrible post-nasal drip. I started getting pain in my shoulders and abdomen. I looked up causes online and found a description for Gallstones. It explained a few of my symptoms. I decided to do the Master Cleanse and a Gallbladder flush after I got back to Toronto. I started this blog.

I gave up alcohol and pot again. After doing: Master Cleanse, Gallbladder/Liver Flush, Green Smoothie Cleanse followed 80-10-10 for 6 months, I thought I was better. In retrospect not everything did get better, if I'm really honest with myself I know I still had symptoms:

• constant runny nose (although it was mostly clear) and sneezing - people would comment "looks like you're coming down with something"
• lower energy - I couldn't bike as fast as I used to or as far of a distance, my workouts were much less intense. I had more energy on 80-10-10 but not as much as I had before I started feeling sick
• pain in my shoulders and abdomen - the pain does stay away the less fat I eat but it is still a problem. It also seems to show up when I eat a lot of sugar, even natural sugar. I notice I got pain almost every time I ate a lot of grapes

Even though I haven't had junk food or purged, no more energy drinks or excessive exercise, I still have disordered eating patterns. I eat way past the point of feeling full. One thing people love about raw foods is you can "eat as much as you want and not have to worry". However, I feel this behavior is extremely destructive. I would like to end the binging behavior altogether. Even if I eat 10 apples and only wanted 3, it doesn't have a negative effect on my weight but I should be able to stop eating when I feel satisfied and satiated. I'm still stuck on having that full/bloated feeling and I don't think it's healthy to want that. The goal is to not feel hungry so I can go about my day.

Another thing is I'm very obsessive about food now. I read food blogs, I'm avoiding a bunch of foods. I'm always writing grocery lists and reading recipes. I go to the grocery store every day and sometimes several times a day. I worry every time I eat something that it will have a negative effect. I obsess over what could cause a reaction and what couldn't. I get anxious any time I eat anything I haven't prepared myself. I worry that it will cause a reaction or a gallbladder attack. I won't go to any restaurants. I avoid any social situation involving food. I'm still very afraid of cooked foods. I feel like I've committed a crime when I eat anything cooked.

I've read a few of the articles by Tom Billings about a mostly fruitarian diet and how it can negatively affect your health. I feel as though most of the negative factors happened to me: sugar addiction, being obsessive with food, overeating, social isolation, loss of "digestive fire". Fruitarianism: Pro and Con has some great, balanced info on the topic.

Looking at my past, I've fooled myself into thinking I've "recovered" a few times, but I've really just substituted one disorder for another. I stop overexercising and start obsessing about fruit. I stop binging/purging and start binge drinking. I've never really just been just "ok" with food. When I am mostly ok with food is when I'm indulging in other substances. I'm at the point now where I feel it's time to get serious help, but I don't know where to look. What's my next step? I've been going to group therapy, but I feel as though I need more. I don't want to spend another 10 years with these struggles, I already feel as though I've wasted a good part of my life to this. It's time to move on, but how?