Tardy Post

Yes it's been a while.. I keep wanting to write, but honestly I haven't been in a very happy place lately. A lot has happened though and I do feel the need to document, so here's the lowdown, in short (kinda):

• I've been having major issues related to my gallstones. I went for a few meals at gourmet raw restaurants and they really did me in. I have a very low tolerance to any nuts and seeds now :( My digestion has suffered greatly, I'm having to take digestive enzymes with every meal.
• I'm no longer following 80/10/10 or Natural Hygiene principals. I think the diet is great but it just wasn't working for me anymore. I didn't like the amount of food I had to consume. Unfortunately, I can't make most raw recipes due to the high fat content. So I'm stuck either consuming large quantities of food or a high percentage of fat, which leads me to my next point..
• I'm no longer 100% raw. I've been toying around with a few cooked items here and there and I feel much better. I would like to continue to be mostly raw and maybe eventually return to 100%. I'm not sure what the future holds though
• My depression and anxiety have returned :( Not much else to say about it. My Dr. wants me to go back on anti-depressants but I don't want to...
• I'm seeing a naturopath for the first time. I always thought they were too expensive, but doing it all alone wasn't working. My first visit was a few days ago and so far it's confirmed my hunch, the pricetag for all the tests ordered was outrageous and I left the clinic in tears. I'm willing to ride this out for a bit, but if it continues to cost me so much long term, I may was well start taking conventional medicine. I'm lucky to live in a country with free health care so I haven't had to pay for any of the tests so far. I'm curious of all naturopaths cost so much or if I was just lucky to go to a pricey one.
• I'm not going back to school. My mood is so low I don't think it is wise. I'm also not looking for a job. This is healing time. I've withdrawn from social activities as well. I'm trying to find a balance that works for me overall.
• I've moved in with roommates. Love them! Less money for rent and I get to socialize without leaving the apartment :)
• I'm coming to terms with my food/body issues. I've lost a lot of weight, but I feel as though I've lost myself along the way. I'm constantly trying on clothes to see if they fit, weighing myself and looking at my body in the mirror. I always thought these feelings would fade if I lost weight, but it's actually made them much worse. I'm starting to seek help for this. I also think staying away from the raw community might help. It's so easy for me to constantly obsess over food with the excuse that I do it because I'm raw.
  

Overall I just want to be healthy again. I'm reaching out in many capacities but I haven't fully made the leap to get the help that I need. My body is very weak right now and I get tired very easily. I'm not eating enough and I know this. I use my digestive issues as an excuse a lot and I need to move away from that. If I truly want to heal, I need to be pure and honest with myself and others. This is extremely tough for me but I feel it's the only way I will find happiness.

I'm upset that I've reached this slump. There's a sense of pride that I had when I took my health into my hands and was feeling so much better without intervention from anyone. Now I realize that I can't do this alone. My stubborn nature is such that I want to. I know it's silly but I'm also sad that I'm not 100% raw. I feel as though I'm a failure. So many other people have had this lifestyle work for them. I lasted nearly 8 months and I was really hoping I would be able to carry it on for years.

I'm going to be posting more often now, it will be a good creative outlet for me and hopefully help me on my road to recovery.